All immigrants to the Netherlands will be required to pass a Dutch cycling exam under new “inburgering” policy proposals from the right-wing government.

The scheme – which will be called Foreigner Integration Enhanced Traffic Safety (FIETS) – intends to ensure asylum seekers, internationals and expats bike with proper regard for Dutch cycling traditions.

A government taskforce is currently understood to be drawing up FIETS exams which every non-native will be required to take by 2026, including EU nationals.

“Not being able to cycle the Dutch way is a major cause of friction between locals and new arrivals in Amsterdam,” said city spokeswoman Lotte Pedling. “We’ve even had reports of expats shouting at locals that they can cycle how they like because ‘this is Amsterdam’.”

Experts say safety statistics show the need for action. “Our latest analysis shows the main cause of traffic accidents is foreigners who think they are following the rules of the road,” said Bas ‘t Aard, traffic freedom lead at Rondehoep expertise hub.

“They stop at red lights, causing collisions from behind. They stick out a hand to signal, slamming it in your face as you overtake. And they think saying ‘sorry’ is socially acceptable. It’s a race to the bottom.”

When the new rules are implemented, foreign nationals will only get a resident’s permit once they have demonstrated their ability to transport two children, a week’s supply of groceries and a cello, while steering a bicycle with one hand.

There will be bonus points for those who accomplish this late at night on second-hand vehicles without lights, avoiding collisions.

Under-18s must cycle three abreast and scream at least once every 30 seconds. And test takers must also be able to shout “krijg de pleuris!” in a faultless Dutch accent at anyone who gets in their way.

Belle Tjerinkelen, professor of cycling infrastructure at Eindhoven University of Technology, said many internationals fail to gear up to Dutch cycling culture.

“It’s not obvious to them that a sign saying Hier geen rijwielen plaatsen is an invitation to park your bike in front of somebody’s window,” she said. “Or that wearing a safety helmet is an egregious social faux pas, even worse than going to a friend’s house without making an appointment six months ahead.”

She said psycho-behavioural research shows cyclists in the Netherlands have the same tribal status as Audi drivers in other countries. “They always assume right of way, never indicate where they’re going and regard other road users as an inconvenience.”

Plastic flowers

Greta Calves, spokeswoman for the integration ministry, hoped the crackdown would stop expats taking more road space from hardworking Dutch commuters.

“Internationals have become the scourge of the roads with their gleaming bakfietsen and e-bikes, monopolising neighbourhood bike stands,” she said.

“Until they pass their test, they can make do with a single-speed omafiets from Marktplaats, customised with a beer crate and a few plastic flowers. It’s time for the strictest cycling policy ever.”

Gary, a taxi driver from Liverpool who is currently fighting an extradition order, expects to fly through the test with the help of Heineken and Dutch marijuana. “If anyone knows how to cycle straight into an Uber,” he said, “it’s me.”