Comedian and performer Youp van ‘t Hek looks back at the past week in politics – particularly the resignation of Maastricht’s mayor Onno Hoes after he was caught with toyboys yet again.
Who will be the next mayor of Maastricht? Newly between-jobs (ex-KLM chief) Camiel Eurlings will undoubtedly be recommended for the post by Maxime Verhagen. Maxime hasn’t forgotten how a shouty and saluting Camiel supported him when he sold his soul to Wilders in 2010. It was one of the funniest moments in Dutch recent political history.

What does Maxime have to do with the candidacy for the new mayor of Maastricht, you may ask. Well, a lot. He’s from Limburg, a Christian Democrat, his father was an important member of the KVP (forerunner of the CDA, DN), and he is up to his eyebrows in Limburg clay as a lobbyist, ambassador and commissioner. That means he has everything to do with it, even if he doesn’t. Officially.

He’s on the phone with Jos van Rey and Pietje van Pol six times a day, neither of whom have anything to do with it either but who will determine between them who the new mayor is going to be. And if it’s not Camiel then, who knows, it might be Bram Moszkowicz who has also become available. Bram was born in Maastricht and that means he’s in with a chance. Unless he accepts a post as a Big Issue seller outside the local Jumbo supermarket.

Bram is the reason I will do my Christmas shopping at Jumbo this year, although I admit to being a little peeved at not being invited to sing along, unremunerated of course, with Lange Frans, Jan Smit, Hennie Huisman and René Froger in that touching, feature-length food bank ad.

Am I supposed to feel sorry for Onno Hoes for his treatment by creepy Rutger and slimy Weesie? Of course not. Onno profited from what his ex-partner Albert Verlinde has been dishing out for years.

Remember that grainy security camera footage of Yo & Wes canoodling in an underground parking garage, and that phone recording of Georgina Verbaan? Last Wednesday Albert almost choked in his effort to explain how completely and utterly different the garage pictures where from what happened to Onno. Wes & Yo should have realised that garages have cameras, he said. And he did tell them he was going to broadcast the images. Not a word about Georgina, however. Daphne Deckers nodded in agreement. Marc van der Linden was thinking about his supper.

I can’t wait for Hoes versus PowNews. According to the lawyers, Hoes stands a good chance of winning. I don’t think so. If you spend 20 years with someone in the knowledge that he buys embarrassing footage and broadcasts it then that makes you an accessory. And that is why Weesie and Rutger were right to think Onno wouldn’t mind being filmed. The case is going to be a riot and I doubt the judge will be able to keep a straight face when Onno says it’s a disgrace. No Mr Hoes, it was a very lucrative source of income for you not too long ago.

Last week I phoned the VARA and asked if I could have an extra hour for my new year’s eve show. There’s so much material. Bram will be sitting next to Albert again next week in RTL Boulevard. Will Albert ask Bram whether it’s true that he, as the NRC reported last week, asked someone to beat up national would-be dandy Jort Kelder because he said he was ‘in bed with the mafia’?

Bram will of course say he did no such thing. And what will journalist Albert do then? Will he leave it at that or will he send someone round with a hidden camera? A sexy woman with a camera between her tits, perhaps, who will make Bram tell all after a romantic dinner? It would make for great television.

Youp van ‘t Hek is a comedian and writer.