Youp van ‘t Hek was a fly on the wall in the bar where Frans Weekers and Fred Teeven were congratulating themselves on their staying power.

Comedy duo Frans Weekers and Fred Teeven were knocking them back in a bar in The Hague and who could blame them.

‘Jos van Rey called the other day,’ Frans sniggered. ‘He wants to put up another big billboard of me along the A2. It’ll be a picture of my head with the slogan “I you can’t hack it, you’ll have to try again!” That was what his old professor used to say and he thought it would be fun. Let’s drink to the Limburg way of doing things!’

I don’t care what people think of me anymore,’ sighed Fred. ‘I used to get nervous every time the NRC dropped on the doormat on a Saturday but now I know it belongs to champagne terrorist Derk Sauer and Egeria, a hedge fund financed by types who earn their dosh by exploiting child slaves in the third world, I’m not so bothered. They got twelve million from the ailing little rag. Should I worry what it writes about me? I don’t think so.’

‘Rumour has it they immediately gave the bonus to hungry workers in Bangladesh and Sauer is investing in Chechen rebels,’ Frans giggled. ‘He’s giving them guns left over from his time in the IRA. They’re still sticky with protestant blood!’

‘I would have put my money on Nutricia,’ Fred offered. ‘They’re making huge profits on their formula milk in China. Their handing of the press is brilliant: they keep pretending they don’t know why the supermarket shelves are empty.’

‘And the last two tins were smuggled out the back door by corrupt staff and sold to the highest bidder at the Chinese takeaway,’ Weekers cried, almost killing himself laughing. ‘Everybody is a Jos van Rey! Samsom rang me about making good on the deal. It’s pay-back time, he said. He saved our backsides and now we have to help him. He said I could persuade Rutte to make illegality no longer punishable by law. I told him: “Diederik, Diederik, don’t you know who you’re talking to? I’m a Limburger! Jos van Rey’s pal! Illegality is never punished by law where we come from!” He didn’t think it was funny.’

‘You know what will happen,’ Fred sighed. ‘If we run out of powdered milk the children will have to go back to the breast. Did you see Paul de Leeuw on Saturday? He had a whole load of hefty Dutch women in, pumping. On tv!’

‘Thumping?’

‘No, pumping, with a P. Pumping. And then Paul pulls the tube out of the milk machine and starts sucking himself. The audience loved it.’

‘I love it too,’ Frans whispered. ‘I love that this is what passes for entertainment now. Next time I want to see him in a box filled with poisonous snakes and hungry rats, as in Killer Karaoke on RTL5. That’s entertainment.’

 ‘We’re closing,’ the bartender said. They quickly had another one, drank to NRC’s profits and gave the bartender a fat tip. The PvdA’s pay back money, they laughed. And then, arm in arm, they stumbled into the night. The streets of The Hague echoed with the sound of I will survive for hours afterwards.

Youp van ‘t hek is one of the Netherlands’ best-loved comedians and writers.