Youp van ‘t Hek on suitcases full of money for lawyer Bram Moszkowicz, a rubbish summer of sports, derivatives, a lesbian cruising zone and the tea towel seen on Estelle Gullit’s new boyfriend’s hand after a brawl (allegedly, of course).

You could call Wilders all sorts of things and consistent is certainly one of them. He hates the euro so much he paid his lawyer cash on the nail in dollars. There goes a man with principles. If we are to believe Hero Brinkman, Wilders handed over a suitcase filled with 75,000 dollars. But does anyone still believe anything Hero says? Rita Verdonk is the only one left.

I often think of Brinkman’s parents. They decided to call their child Hero. With a name like that you expect results, not a failed career as a policeman or a tragic political laughing stock. Bram then called Hero and said there was no truth at all in the suitcase story and Hero told Bram he believed him. I’m not making this up.

Now I understand why Eva Jinek kept insisting a middle income is around €150,000 in spite of Diederik Samsom’s protestations. It seemed a bit blond at the time but now I get it. Just as I get that next week boyfriend Bram will say: we’re going on holiday Eva, get the suitcases out.

Iodine

It’s a nice bit of gossip in these news-poor times. The most exciting sports summer ever has failed to materialise. We were supposed to win the European Championships, remember, and Gesink was going to make his mark in the Tour de France. We all know what happened with the national team and Gesink: instead of covered in glory, it was covered in iodine. The only Dutch presence left in the Tour is Mart Smeets.

The best summer tidbit came from Breda where semi-governmental company SNB stuck its head in the noose by making a deal with a bonus-happy German banker. Yes, it was derivatives yet again. The inevitable dodgy lawyer from NautaDutilh was involved of course, with the attending accountant from Deloitte fast asleep and snoring at a criminal rate an hour. The documents also mention a certain Anke Gielissen who works for the local water board, a dear little soul whose capabilities don’t stretch to serving the drinks at the local carnival association let alone investing hundreds of millions.

Good practice

And that’s when it all went wrong. The company is bankrupt but is being held upright by all sorts of financial trickery. And its core business is what? It is processing sludge. That’s what is was for and that’s where the money came from. Then somebody came along and said: you’re doing it all wrong. Maybe he even mentioned Vestia as an example of good practice.

There’s a sad little clip of Gielissen on YouTube, She’s promising to keep a close eye on the accounts. Meanwhile, millions of euros have evaporated. And I’m afraid the lawyer was handed several suitcases containing 75,000 dollars each for his trouble. I can’t prove it and if NautaDutilh wants me to take it back, I will. I’m a good liar. That banker spent part of the money on hookers, another thing I’m sure about. And the main wheelers and dealers are bound to buy a house next to shady Erik Staal’s in Bonaire.

It’s only money. Public money. No-one’s money. In Groningen they’re using it to finance a sexy meeting place where menopausal lesbians can cruise to their hearts content. I can see them now, short, no-maintenance hair, a-sexual windbreakers, a determined stride and the inevitable Nordic walking sticks. I think I’ll stick to being unsubsidizedly straight.

Weather

Hook of Holland has no money for derivatives. It has no money full stop. Some Labour people in the Hook want the weathermen to be fined if they get the weather wrong. Because they had a couple of nice days and still nobody turned up in the Saint Tropez of the north. It’s all down to the weather forecast.

Meanwhile, the rain keeps falling. How do we avoid getting caught out? Do we carry a tea towel? Maybe. That’s one of their uses. Be sure to stick it on your head, not your fist.

Youp van ‘t Hek is one of the Netherlands best loved comedians and writers