As long as animal welfare, the love between same-sex couples and the physical integrity of children are considered less important than the religious freedom of Christians, Jews or Muslims, the law should treat Pastafarians and the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster with equal consideration, writes René van Leeuwen.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) is the brainchild of American Bobby Henderson. When his school decided to teach intelligent design as part of the curriculum, he sent an open letter to the school board. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, he wrote, has the same basis in science as intelligent design and therefore merits equal treatment.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster claims to have ‘millions if not thousands of followers’.

A quote from the Pastafarians’ holy Book of Piraticus reads ‘12.1: I gave you brains, the ability to use them and free will for a reason. 2. Please use them. 3. If I say something dumb, question it.’

Pirates

There are many advantages to becoming a Pastafarian. Stripper factories and beer volcanoes are just two of the things heaven allows and contradictions are welcomed. The FSM likes its adherents to dress like pirates and I ask you who wouldn’t want to?

Seriously though. I think that in these days of religious debate the Pastafarians shouldn’t go unheard. Ritual slaughter for instance has an impact on the quality of meat used for pasta sauce.

The FSM religious rules for circumcision proscribe that those who have been circumcised before they were eighteen should have some more snipped off. Using a rusty pair of scissors dipped in lime juice, that is. That in itself would be grounds enough not to go there. Which parent would want to have an extra mutilation on his conscience should the child in question convert to Pastafarianism?

And then there are the refusenik civil servants. The holy FSM does not want its Pastafarians to judge others on the grounds of appearance, sexual preference, faith or race. No man is holier than the next, says the FSM. ‘He thinks, in his infinite wisdom, that you should love your neighbour. He isn’t just saying that.’

Equal

As long as the welfare of animals, the love between same-sex couples and the physical integrity of children are considered less important than the religious freedom of Christians, Jews or Muslims the law should treat the Pastafarians and the Flying Spaghetti Monster with equal consideration.

Among all the lawyers, theologians, philosophers and other learned experts spouting purple rhetoric, there is no one who argues that religion is simply a personal matter. It’s a personal matter which vulnerable and defenceless animals and children should be protected from.

Warm beer

So ban ritual slaughter, fire refusenik civil servants and make child circumcision punishable by law. Make laws free from religious dogma. Freedom of religion should never mean limiting the freedom of others.

And besides, if you don’t keep to the benign rules of the Flying Spaghetti Monster you will go to Pastafarian hell where the beer is warm and all the strippers have STDs.

René van Leeuwen is studying for a Masters degree at Erasmus University, Rotterdam