Youp van ’t Hek may join a dance show on tv. But he won’t be watching.

I saw the first two Dutch European Cup games in the United States so I was spared the national tv commercials, including the jolly C1000 supermarket one with the people’s singer, the people’s rapper and the people’s tenor. I missed the national team’s effort as well. I saw it for the first and mercifully the last time on Sunday night. I have never been to a C1000 and after Sunday night I know I never will. The bread is old and mouldy, the cheese is blue when it’s not meant to be and the  pre-packaged stuff is past its sell-by date. With mouldy, cheesy commercials like this how could anything from C1000 be fresh? The check-out girls are elderly and the managers all look like Hero Brinkman.

When the members of the team were confronted with their solidly wooden performance, they decided to eliminate themselves from the tournament asop. They had to liberate the Dutch people of this commercial. Wesley was quoted as saying: ‘When Yolanthe sees this it’ll drive her straight into the arms of some muscle-bound kick boxer.’ Huntelaar and Robben promised not to score. Stekelenburg let it be known he’d rather be goosed by a third-rate Dane and Rafael and Robin apologised to the other players: they hadn’t meant to score, it was all a big mistake.

Bonnet lion

The C1000 ad is now a thing of the past. The Marketing and Communications manager is on sick leave, the director is chewing his nails at the three weekly sessions with his psychiatrist and at Albert Heijn they’re too busy serving customers to care.

 C1000 staff is being subjected daily to Edwin Evers’ clever Frank & Ronald spoof. It’s heard in the basement too where despondent workers are binning the fake wuppies – not to be confused with Shell’s bonnet lions.

 I have had a whole week to think about how this commercial came into being. There must have been meetings, a script and admiring laughter for what those crazy, creative ad people had come up with. Then there was the singing, the filming, the editing until the thing ended up on television. And nowhere during the process did anyone think to intervene to protect the nation’s mental health. How is this possible? How can reasonably intelligent people back this crap? We’re in a crisis, for goodness sake! It won’t be long now before C1000 becomes C10.

Dutch television never ceases to amaze me when I watch it, which is not very often. I have become a non-watcher. Dutch tv is bad for the eyes and bad for the soul. Depression looms.

 Dance

I think half of Hilversum is blind, deaf and insane. The definitive proof is in my mailbox. Last week the AVRO officially requested my presence in the new Reinout Oerlemans dance show. They wanted me and my muscular body for a show they hope will be the new Saturday night sensation. It was quite funny really. They probably thought all artists are attention seeking, money grabbing whores and that I would be no exception. After all, if Johan and Wilfred will sing, the little fat guy will dance..

 It’s not a joke! I really was asked and I’m thinking about it. I’m just not clear about the music yet. I was thinking Dries Roelvink. Or Indian Joan Franka. But what I’m really looking forward to is the dressing room with 16 hidden cameras filming me, pathetically practicing my routine in front of the mirror. It’s Reinout’s idea of giving the show that little bit extra. Or was it Ruur Gullit? I can’t wait.

Youp van ‘t Hek is one of the Netherlands’ best loved comedians and writers