Youp van ‘t hek thinks leaky fake boobs are funny and knows for a fact (well, they said so in the bar) that the PVV is sponsored by arms dealers.

Sometimes, channel zapping listlessly of an afternoon, I find myself watching an RTL programme about Beauty. Programmes like this are always sponsored by a doctor who gets all the time he needs to explain things. Breast implants for instance do absolutely no harm at all. Far from it. They do wonders for a woman’s mental health as well as her figure. It’s a silicone bubble boost to her femininity.
In the next shot you see dr. Smooth making incisions in a young check out girl and stuffing her with creepy looking plastic stuff. Then you see the silly supermarket girl bleating on about how happy she is and how her C cup makes her feel so much more secure behind the C-1000 counter and that all the customers like it too. And her mum – there’s usually a mum- is also very happy.
Seychelles
Some time later the girl makes another appearance, on a consumer programme. Her left breast is oozing toxic looking green slime and her right is drooping sadly. The doctor has moved to the Sechelles.
Somehow I can’t muster much sympathy for ladies with fake tits. How blonde must you be to let some doctor sew a couple of plastic balls into your body purely for cosmetic reasons? If truth be told I find the whole leakage problem quite funny.
Arms dealers
Rumour has it that the PIP implant people sponsor the PVV and that the peroxide one and his friend Hero have been looking the other way when it came to parliamentary question time. Apparently, the property fraud boys have been forking out substantial amounts as well. Money stolen from the pension funds. Henk and Ingrid’s pensions.
It there any truth in the PVV PIP property pimps palaver? Or is it idle chitchat, a piece of malicious gossip? And where’s the proof? All the same, if I were Hero Brinkman I would immediately open the books for all to see. You don’t want that sort of talk doing the rounds. There’s been whisperings about arms dealers as well. Fair’s fair: I have no proof. I pick up these things in the bar. And the rule is where there’s beer, there’s fire.
7000 forms
It is interesting to see how secretive Brinkman and his peroxide pal are about the contributors to the party coffers. Every poor sod asking for asylum needs the desert elders to sign and stamp 7000 forms and at the least doubt the whole thing is off. Ask Hero and Blondie to answer a simple question about party finances and they’re frothing at the mouth. It would be great if it turned out that the PVV kitty had been systematically topped up with money robbed by violent Moroccan youths on scooters. I think I heard a rumour to that effect in the bar last night but then again it was very late.
Meanwhile the PVV is not doing well. In an attempt to turn the tide it was decided to abuse amenable Frits Wester who was granted the first ever official interview with the great leader. Did Frits agree not to ask any critical questions? I don’t know. Let’s say it wasn’t his day.
Inspired
People and money, what an amusing combo it always is. I was reading about that ex-dean at Delft University the other day whose expense account was fatter than that of all his colleagues combined. A holiday villa for €13,000, a hire car for €2,800 and a whopping 7,000 euros on plane tickets, all paid without a murmur. I’m going to be a university professor at Delft university myself between May and March. Needless to say I have been inspired by recent events around me and from sunny Bonaire I bid you a good day before travelling on to..the Seychelles.
Youp van ‘t Hek is one of the Netherlands’ best loved comedians and writers